Shiny Owls & Zumba Pants: Jac’s Great Sale
So quite recently my good friend Jac has put some fashionable thingamajigs up for sale, in order to augment her apparelly dwindling coffers. (See what I did there?) Now, as a friend and intrepid supporter of capitalism, the least I could do is offer some advertisement for her wares. Check it out below.
New Look Glitter Owl Batwing Top
Have you ever looked at an owl at Jurong Bird Park or Night Safari and said to yourself, ‘Hey, what a cute little bird! I wish I could capture it, flatten it with a rolling pin and stitch it onto my plain white top?’ If you have, this piece is perfect for you!
Featuring a one-of-a-kind owl illustration hand-painted by master artist AnonChinaWorker#3020108, this top conveys the perfect Don’t-Fuck-With-Me-I-Have-An-Owl-On-My-Shirt mood to the general public without the need to kill an actual innocent bird. (Side-tracking here, you can tell that this was designed in some Third World country cos they’re too broke to have colour on their clothing. Either that or some moron messed with the printer settings.)
WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
Don’t underestimate the boost to your credibility that this simple looking owl top will give you. Wanna act chic and sophisticated? Wanna come off to others as the cheem literary smexy type of girl?
THIS IS THE TOP FOR YOU.
When you wear this top and some random hot guy on the street compliments you on your great fashion sense, DON’T do the stupid ‘Oh stahp it you’ *giggles* shy girl routine; instead, look the hunk in the eye and tell him that owls were regarded in ancient Greece as symbols of wisdom, and then proceed to make up some Shakespearean-sounding quote about the sacredness of owls.
O, doth thee art beautiful as the bird of night / O unruffled silken feathers of undying wisdom art thou!
There. Textbook template for all you unimaginative muggers.
But what if the guy who approaches you looks more like Jonah Hill instead of Bradley Cooper? Tell the ugly twat that the Africans believe that if anyone sees an owl or hears its hoot, THAT POOR SOUL IS GONNA DIE IN THE NEXT TEN DAYS. Watch him run away like a guy who just saw Slenderman in front of him. That’s right, my friend, multiple symbolisms for the win; the owl on this shirt is as versatile as Whitney Houston’s vocal range.
So, are you ready to purchase this fantastic owl-print top yet? No??? Ok, here’s one last secret feature guaranteed to blast your ovaries back:
GLITTER.
Look closely and you’ll notice the faint sparkle across the luxurious cloth. It’s not a lot of glitter, but hey, this clothing maker is poor and you ain’t Tinkerbell yourself. Get off your high horse and click ‘buy’ already.
Anticlockwise Saira Double-Strap-2-Way Top
This right here is the Taylor Swift of modern outfits: white, unpretentious and with commitment issues. This top can be worn two ways: high collar or low cut, which is perfect for people who can’t make up their damn mind on that they want to wear. Luckily for you, this minimalist top takes all your indecisive fashion whims and boils it down into two simple choices: flash your collarbone or flash your back.
Either way, you’re not going to show much skin, which is perfect for reining in your inner party girl and keeping your traditional Chinese parents pleased. Mother agrees.
Also, don’t miss the fact that for the price of one, you’re essentially getting TWO outfits. DID YOU HEAR THAT? THAT WAS THE SOUND OF MR KRABS GROANING IN DISTRESS.
You know what else? Since this shirt can be worn two ways, there’s almost no risk of you accidentally wearing it the wrong way and rushing off to work looking like a retard. YOU’RE WELCOME. Unless you’ve somehow managed to wear it inside out, then you’ll have to get into a cab and do the routine from Friends with Benefits where Mila Kunis tricks the taxi driver into looking at New York landmarks while she goes Wonder Woman in the back of the vehicle. If you’re attempting the same thing, I hope for your sake that your cab goes past something interesting like the Singapore Flyer, because every other building is a goddamn HDB.
Tobi Kolkata Pants (Plum / Blue)
Ever wondered what would happen if Lady Gaga and Pablo Picasso got together and designed some pants? WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER, THE ANSWER IS RIGHT HERE AND IT’LL COMMIT AGGRAVATED BATTERY ON YOUR EYES LIKE THE SUDDEN AND CONTINUOUS USE OF CAPITALISATION IN MY TEXT.
SO I HEARD YOU WERE BORED OF BLACK AND WHITE? Sick of the words “Zen” and “Minimalist”?
Well then, these psychedelic pants are perfect for fulfilling your shallow needs for visual stimulation! Boasting more colours than a gay rights movement, this set of pants will either induce epilepsy in the perverts who stare at your ass for too long, or hypnotise them into stripping and dancing naked in the streets while singing the national anthem in triple-time. Either way, wearing this is as good as screaming HEY BITCHES LOOK AT ME I’M FABULOUS, which saves your husky vocal chords for later pick-up conversation.
PISSED OFF AT YOUR BOSS? Wear this to his office and twerk in his face. Instant seizure.
LAZY TO CHANGE PANTS IN THE MORNING? Wear this to sleep and go out the next day unchanged like a boss. Nobody will suspect a thing.
IF YOU’RE GOING TO RANDOM TRIBAL PLACES SUCH AS INDIA OR AFRICA, THESE PANTS ARE INDISPENSABLE. If you get lost in the jungle your best bet is to blend in with the native tribes, and the print on these pants is your best visa for a Maori Hotel.
OH, AND DID I FORGET TO MENTION THAT THIS PIECE COMES IN TWO COLOURS? Take a few seconds to let that sink into your undersized mind. TWO. FUCKING. COLOURS. PLUM AND BLUE. Put them side by side and BAM! Instant spot-the-difference puzzle.
THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND’S NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO YOU? Wear each colour on consecutive days and ask him,
‘Hey darling what do you think of my special outfit today?’
If he replies with ‘Um, aren’t you wearing the same pants as yesterday’,
BITCHSLAP HIM AND GIVE HIM AN HOUR-LONG LECTURE ON THE SACRAMENTAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PLUM AND BLUE. And then proceed to dump him, because if you wanted a brainless boyfriend, you would’ve picked that hot guy from the hotdog stand. At least he packs a good sausage.
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Ok, that’s it from me. Check out the rest of the items (along with actual product descriptions) at thethrifttheory.tumblr.com. If you’re in any way offended by my crude language earlier, um, I’m sorry? Nah. Deal with it. What is extreme advertising without vulgarities thrown in?
On a serious note though, buy some stuff. I think I saw a pair of high heels that would be perfect for an emergency foot-stomp should a blind date be turning weird. Get those. Or anything else. Discount. Sale. Savings. What other words should I use to induce spontaneous retail spending?
thethrifttheory.tumblr.com.
thethrifttheory.tumblr.com.
thethrifttheory.tumblr.com.
thethrifttheory.tumblr.com.
thethrifttheory.tumblr.com.
thethrifttheory.tumblr.com.
In case you missed it. (You might want to get those Kolkata pants then.)
–WQ
Seriously can’t stop re-reading this. You need an award.
I’m considering a career in advertising now lol